The Adventures of Fish Girl: Part 1

I've been told on many occasions that I should write a book about all the adventures (and misadventures) I've had working at a pet store on and off for the better part of six years. I'm by no means writing a book, and when I do get around to that project it will be highly fictionalized. However, as the point of all this is to jump start my writing, and this summer has been full of pet store related experiences my goal is to write a scene about the job and the encounters I have working there and post it on Sundays. The accounts will be somewhat true and fictionalized to varying degrees and while Our Heroine is clearly based on me, she is not exactly me. Without further ado, I bring you today's piece:

Wattage, It's a Pretty Confusing Concept.

Our heroine is at the front of the store, stocking Repto-Min, when three women walk in. One appears to be in her sixties and wearing a floral jacket, she is bewildered and clearly only here because she was dragged. The second woman is significantly younger, dressed in biker gear with an Adam Lambert ring tone. She heads immediately upstairs. The woman that stops our heroine is also dressed in biker gear, a particularly appalling sleeveless leather vest shows off some poorly done tattoos. She is missing some of her yellowing teeth, and she smells as though she hasn’t showered in a few days… although that may just be a by-product of wearing leather and riding a motorcycle in 90 degree heat. The following exchange transpires, leaving our heroine to think that retail would be so much easier were it not for the customers.

“I need a heat lamp for my snake.”

This I can handle. “Do you need the whole lamp set up, or just the bulb?”

“I have the lamp… so just the bulb.”

“Awesome, they’re right over here in the case. What kind of wattage do you need?”

“It’s for a snake.”

“That’s great, but I need to know the wattage of your lamp.”

“It’s a three foot red tail boa.”

Jesus Christ, does she do this when she goes to Wal-mart? ‘I need a lamp for my living room… I’m five foot five. “Those are great snakes. What size bulbs does the lamp you have for him take?”

“He’s in a ten-gallon tank.”

Fuck the what? You put a three-foot boa in a ten gallon tank? The one –footers we have upstairs go in at least twenty gallons… god, does the thing have room to move? “Ok, so it’s just a small tank, we carry bulbs in wattage from 50 to 150, what do you need for your lamp?”

“None of these are for snakes!”

What? “What? They’re all acceptable to use with snakes… the heat bulbs work with all reptiles; it’s just a matter of getting the right wattage.”

“Then why don’t any of these say you can use them with snakes? None of them have snake pictures on the front?”

“The pictures are chosen arbitrarily by the company. I assure you that all our bulbs are safe to use with your snake.”

“Get me that one. The heat bulb.”

“Which one?”

“The one for snakes!”

“They’re all for snakes.”

“The 150.”

“That’s a pretty high wattage, especially since most smaller sized lamps only go up to 100 watts… I would try the 75 watt, that might be better for your lamp and tank size.”

“It’s the only one you have for snakes!”

Seriously? She just decided the only one she can buy is the only bulb with a snake on the front of the packaging? Poor thing is gonna cook. “Ma’am I really think---“

“Just give me my snake bulb.”

“Fine. Make sure you check the wattage of your lamp before you use this, and keep an eye on the temperature in his tank. Do you have a thermometer?”

“No, I don’t need one.”

Why do these people get pets? And why a snake? Why would you buy the money pit that is a reptile if you’re not going to do it right? “Here’s your receipt ma’am… you can return the bulb if it’s the wrong size…”

“Thanks.”

“Thank you, ma’am. Have a great day.”

Frustrated, our heroine grabs a bag of crickets and feeds them to an appreciative and properly heated bearded dragon. She can only hope the snake book purchased with the bulb can enlighten a very stubborn woman.